Appendix C: Answer these impossibilities…
So I wrote this for class… it is really short, but for the few of you who keep an eye on this page I wanted to give you some thoughts as of lately. I had a one page limit. These ideas will be fleshed out in the future… maybe someday they’ll even make sense.
DLF
Senior Seminar
Journal: Week 8
What fundamental beliefs shape your attitudes, commitments, and actions? What kind of faith helps you make sense of the world? What kind of reason?
I have struggled with the “big questions” up until this point. I have frustrated myself with the constant questioning of the beliefs I hold that I assumed I could articulate. I have broken down with the idea that I may not have a purpose. I have driven myself to the brink of our socially-acceptable level of sanity digesting the ideas of reality and free will. I have failed to understand a unifying definition of truth. I have been a coward to admit these moments because so often our society views them as trademarks of the mentally ill. But, the question remains; How am I going to live this life and why? I am working on my answer and failing miserably in the process, but, in this single moment, this is what I know…
There is one thing I am sure of in the only reality that I can comprehend; it is simple, but it is important to me. Without it, I would fail to truly live this life in the deepest sense. Without this idea, I would drift along as a void of who I truly am. I believe in love. Go ahead, ask: “You believe love what…? Why do you believe love? What does love do for you? What is love to you?” And, know this: I have no singular response. However, I will attempt to answer the questions proposed by Doc. My existence in love shapes my attitudes in ways that I can’t quantify. Ideally, I avoid hurting anyone at any cost because quite often, that is all I can give and all that they can accept. How does love shape my commitments? I am committed to no set list of rules; instead, I would rather evaluate every single instance in love. In the reality that I have come to know, all I have are these moments or instances. I am committed to my family even though they may pin me against one another. Why? Because I can’t fix broken relationships. I can’t fix addiction. I can’t fix guilt trips and mental instability. I can’t fix muttered words of hatred. I’ve brought myself to the bottom, and forced others to help me, trying to mediate these battles and have come to this conclusion: At my best, all I can do is love. Alone, I am so incredibly, disgustingly far from faultless, but if I love, I feel as if I have a chance at growing and I have new life. Finally, how does love shape my actions? I was put on this planet as a human. Naturally, I mess up so often. Out of love, I repent. I beat myself up in attempts to learn, avoid hurting others, and stop thinking about myself. I deserve nothing. If I am here, I want to be somebody that builds up, not sucks up energy. I have so far to go and am so weak in my humanness.
The relationship between my faith and reason is another association I have been trying to force together like two identical magnetic forces since early September. I am grateful for the opportunity to question my faith critically; however, I don’t want to live a life of doubt in the only thing I claim to believe. I aim to abide by the phrase “There is no such thing as the spiritual life, there is only life.” This is what I have come to: my ability to reason is a set of tools from which I can make decisions based upon my faith in love. My reason alone will never fully comprehend this world or the Divine. On the other hand, I can seek to reach the ultimate goal in faith, which in my opinion is growth toward knowing love and the drive to never stop questioning and learning. I can fail in reason. In fact, I do fail in reason, repeatedly, but by faith, I can go at this life hard and seek to understand. I don’t have to be a failure in that way. In faith, I should want to be small so that others can be bigger and at the same time stop tearing myself down.
